Saturday, 26 November 2011

Sorry I've not been around


My apologies that I haven't been around over the last few days its been a little bit hectic. My great Nan died and I attended her funeral on Monday and then my daughter was ill, its just been one of those weeks.

I do have some news- I spoke to my therapist on wednesday. After some discussion with the trauma specialist people it has been decided he cannot offer me the therapy I need I have therefore got to be referred to the trauma specialist people and go onto their waiting list. JOY!! Just what I need right now- more waiting. After finally deciding I need to face my demons and deal with my past they put me back onto yet another waiting list. Now I know its not their fault and they are only trying to do whats best for me in the long run but it sucks. They have also mentioned some other types of therapy I have never heard of. Something to do with eye movement and another one called compassionate something or other- sorry my brain doesn't seem to want to remember the actual names! Anyway when I go for (yet another) assessment we will (apparently) decided together which type of therapy will be best- they will also offer CBT.

On one hand its great to know that I will finally be gettingt the correct help but on the other I'm quite upset about having to leave my therapist- I get on well with him- and having to go back onto a waiting list for who knows how long.

Other then that right now I feel fat and ugly and just damn right horrible, someone made a point of telling me today they hardly recognise me (physically) from what I looked like before I had children. Apparently it must be motherhood! So is that your way of telling me I've put on weight? Or that I look tired? And that my hair isn't always washed and I hardly ever wear make up? Or am I once again being overly negative and they could have indeed meant it in a nice way. Either way I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not want to burst into tears when I see whats looking back.

Anyway I better go and get on with dinner. I'll be back soon. Lots of love xxxxxx

Saturday, 19 November 2011


So I had a little chat with my OH last night. And he told me I am 2 negative. Now my first reaction was to punch him in his face but after giving it some though I hate to hav to admit I think he may be right. Its not just that I'm negative, I seem to be numb to feeling positive. I can feel it- but it doesn't last very long and is soon forgotten about. But bad things I can remember for years and years and years.
I don't remember most of my childhood because I'm so busy focusing (not intentionally) on the abuse. I think this pattern has follwed me through into my adult life.
I'm not sure how to tackle it but I know that I'm going to have to find a way because I'm bringing everyone else down. Hopefully its something I can discuss with my therapist on Wednesday- assuming hes feeling better this week. I have to admit it would be nice to be able to remember good things without having to pull out the negatives in it. For example- take the birth of my son. It was stressful and emotional and there were complications. Now any normal person would surely be able to concentrate on the fact it could have been worse and that I still have a very happy healthy baby 9 months later?! Not me, the wonder of having my little bundle of joy seems to have been drowned out by the few bad things that happened. And I have a million more things just like that- its really quite depressing when I think about it.
I just wish there was a quick fix- some kind of pill I could take and it would all be better. Frankly it just sucks :(

Thursday, 17 November 2011

A little background information

Hi Again,

I just thought I would give you all a little background information. I was sexually abused by my mums (now ex) partner from the age of 5 until I was 12. It was taken to court but he was found not guilty due to lack of evidence. Then in 2007 he was arrested for abusing another little girl and in 2008 was sentenced to life in prison. They discovered evidence linking him to the abuse of me and 7 others.

I have recently been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I also have depression and am currently taking 60mg a day of Citalopram. I used to be ashamed of my depression but now I realise it was just my brains way of yelling for help.

Anyway I just wanted you to know some background info so you weren't clueless! I'm now off to bed Night night all xxx

Where should I begin?


Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I have realised that I need to make some changes to the way I approach things and deal with my past and I am starting by writing this blog.

I have spent so many years trying to be what I think everybody else wants me to be, to make up for the fact I was abused and caused so much pain by trying to please all those around me. Two children and a few break downs later and I finally realised that the only way I can ever truly move forwards is to start living for me, so thats what I am planning on doing.

I will apologise in advance as I may sometimes write the most random posts about the most random things! I can promise that this is going to be an emotional journey with highs and lows but the final outcome should be worth sticking around for.
Signing off for now to have dinner but I'll be back soon. xxx