So I had a little chat with my OH last night. And he told me I am 2 negative. Now my first reaction was to punch him in his face but after giving it some though I hate to hav to admit I think he may be right. Its not just that I'm negative, I seem to be numb to feeling positive. I can feel it- but it doesn't last very long and is soon forgotten about. But bad things I can remember for years and years and years.
I don't remember most of my childhood because I'm so busy focusing (not intentionally) on the abuse. I think this pattern has follwed me through into my adult life.
I'm not sure how to tackle it but I know that I'm going to have to find a way because I'm bringing everyone else down. Hopefully its something I can discuss with my therapist on Wednesday- assuming hes feeling better this week. I have to admit it would be nice to be able to remember good things without having to pull out the negatives in it. For example- take the birth of my son. It was stressful and emotional and there were complications. Now any normal person would surely be able to concentrate on the fact it could have been worse and that I still have a very happy healthy baby 9 months later?! Not me, the wonder of having my little bundle of joy seems to have been drowned out by the few bad things that happened. And I have a million more things just like that- its really quite depressing when I think about it.
I just wish there was a quick fix- some kind of pill I could take and it would all be better. Frankly it just sucks :(